is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
