I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
