If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
