I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
