I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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