hotel room ftw
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
