Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Did I show you my penis last night?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
