well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
