I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
