Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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