what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
