Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just invented taco cereal.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
