get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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