if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
