I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
