The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
