how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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