if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
