I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
