My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
