Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Girls should come with a carfax report
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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