Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize