Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
