He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
