Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
