Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize