I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize