dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
