I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just had sex on a roof
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
