I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
