I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
