Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
