Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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