I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
