your parents love me but you hate me
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
