so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
