last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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