I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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