lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
