all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
