I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
