She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
