I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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