finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
