I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
