Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
