You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
