listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Four minutes until I can fart!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
