Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Houston, we have a squirter
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
