Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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