Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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