i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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