he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
