I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
