Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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