i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
