my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
