life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
