Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
