two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
