I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
