This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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