My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Semen is not good for contacts.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
