Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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