It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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