dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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